Cincotti Smashes Strawberry Shortcake Record

Mattituck, NY! When the history of strawberry shortcake is written*, spare a chapter for the efforts of one Carmen Cincotti at the 2018 edition of the Mattituck Lions Club World Strawberry Shortcake Eating Championship. The world’s #2-ranked eater ate 22lb of strawberry shortcake in eight minutes to set a new world record in the discipline. He earned $1,750 for doing so—money, one imagines, that will be spent on the finer things in life. Cincotti is, after all, a Gucci man through and through. He is also partial to some Burberry when the mood strikes. (The luggage, of course, not the god-awful threads and knits Burberry peddle. Perish the thought. Sheesh.)

None of which is to say that Cincotti had it easy. Geoffrey Esper—not sure of his position on Gucci, to be honest—ate 20lb of strawberry shortcake for second. Gideon Oji—more commonly seen in his beloved Barcelona jersey when not sporting a MLE contest T-shirt—finished third.

Full results below. Hat tip of the boater to newly minted MLE members George Chiger and Nick Wehry, who ate 12 and 11 pounds respectively, and finished in the money.

May those who finished on the podium of the paid spend their money wisely and well. No point saving for a rainy day with savings account and certificates of deposit interest rates being as low as they are.

• Maybe it will be called Strawberry Shortcake: A History?

FULL RESULTS! 1. Carmen Cincotti 22, new WR 2. Geoff Esper 20 3. Gideon Oji 14 4. George Chiger 12 5. Nick Wehry 11 6. Dud Light 9.5 7. Eric Badlands Booker 8.5 8. Darrien Thomas 8 9. William Myers of Pennsylvania 5.75 10. Jason Smith 3