MLE

 

Matt Stonie Reclaims Gyoza Crown
8/24/2015

That was intense..

So Tweeted one @MattStonie at 6:49PM on August 22, 2015. We will forgive him the grammatical error on his use of the double period this once: Stonie was likely mid-digestion at the time of the Tweet, having eaten 343 Day-Lee Foods Gyoza five hours earlier. Worse transgressions are made every second by people facing far more moderate stomach demands.

Intense is overused and used poorly. That movie was not intense, it was scripted. That snowboard run was not intense; gnarly, perhaps, but not intense. Exhilarating is likely the word you're looking for there, Snowboard Steve. That intense undergrad student who took issue with your criticism of Foucault's work on justice and social power is not intense, he is simply a bore.

But this. This. This was intense. Ten minutes. Plate upon plate of perfectly cooked Day-Lee Foods Gyoza. Chestnut by his side. His fans sprawled in front of him. The emcee counts from 10. The fingers dance. The palate calls. Go!

And down, down, down, one fistful of gyoza after the next. Chestnut forcing the issue; Chestnut fast out of the blocks. Pace. Rhythm. Speed. Finders, keepers. Get it. Get in a groove. Let the mechanics take over. Block it all out. Trust the mechanics. The noise grows. Howls. Sweat. Don't break rhythm. Twist, pop, bite, swallow. Down, down, down. Trust the machine. Trust yourself. You are the Boy King. They are your subjects.

Stop! Count the plates. Chestnut smiles. That smile. He knows he's done well. Count the plates. Well enough? Not well enough? Count the plates. If it's close, how close? And who ate what? Count the plates. The numbers are in. The numbers say all that needs to be said for they are exact and they are cruel and the rest is hearsay: Stonie 343, Chestnut 339. Four gyoza. One bite. A few seconds. Nothing. Everything.

That was intense.. That was The 2015 Day-Lee Foods World Gyoza Eating Championship.

Full Results!
1 Matt Stonie, 343
2 Joey Chestnut, 339
3 Miki Sudo, 178
4 Adrian Morgan, 175
5 Michelle Lesco, 170
6 Rich LeFevre, 169
7 Steve Hendry, 145
8 Erik Denmark, 142
9 Juliet Lee, 129
10 Badlands Booker, 125
11 Josh Miller, 109
12 Pablo Martinez, 107
13 Nate Biller, 94
14 Carlene LeFevre, 77
15 Lesley Ryder, 69
16 Rowell Marcos, 58
17 Mary Bowers, 49
18 Matt Ralston, 8