Stonie Shatters Birthday Cake Record At Palm Beach Outlets First Birthday Party!

West Palm Beach, FL That Matthew "The Megatoad" Stonie won the inaugural Palm Beach Outlets World Birthday Cake-Eating Championship will not surprise anyone paying attention to recent events in the MLE slice of World Affairs. He was the firm favorite going into the event and he emerged not only victorious but with a new WR to his name. Read it and weep, cake protectionists: 14.5 pounds of birthday cake in just eight minutes.

To help you visualize that number, imagine a piece of cake—say, one you might eat in the kitchen of a corporate office somewhere on the occasion of someone who works in accounts' birthday. Say you ate that cake and you truly enjoyed it. Maybe you took another slice when you thought no one was watching. Two slices and you would be good for cake. No more cake for you. No, sir. You would be all like, "Man, that's some good cake, but, hoo-whey, that's enough cake for me for one day, I can tell you." Well, Matt Stonie ate 29 slices of cake. If Matt Stonie worked at your office—perhaps in IT support or logistics—you would need to order a lot more cake, lest people who arrive late to the cake function because they were on a call with the Phoenix office miss out. They'd complain and gossip about it, so next time, just get more cake, okay. Who needs the drama?

The Palm Beach Outlets World Birthday Cake-Eating Championship was held in celebration of Palm Beach Outlets' first birthday. On hand to lend proceedings an appropriate gravitas was West Palm Beach mayor Jeri Muoio, who also shares her birthday with Palm Beach Outlets. Mayor Muoio was able to see first-hand the powerful voting constituency that is MLE fans and she will be sure to incorporate pro-competitive eating policies moving forward in return for our support at the polls.

Stonie was fast and smooth and debris-free throughout. It was textbook stuff from the slim-hipped prodigy. Eat bite of the delicious Whole Foods Markets vanilla birthday cake with buttercream frosting pushed him closer to glory. Miki Sudo was gallant for second but could not hang with the Megatoad after the third minute of the event. Nasty Nate Biller wisely saw to his considerable debris in the latter stages of the contest; a wise move made by a wise man. Others ate less. All were happy.

Full results below.

1st - $2,500 Matthew Stonie, 14.5lb in 8 mins
2nd - $1,200 Miki Sudo, 9lb
3rd - $650 Nate Biller, 6.5lb
4th - $350 Michael Jenkins, 5.5lb
5th - $200 Crazy Legs Conti, 5lb
6th - $100 Steve Glazier, a Weatherman, 4lb
7th - Michael Erthal - 3lb
8th - Eddie E, a radio DJ, 2.5lb
9th - Barry Rosenblum, 1.5lb

Stonie ate 14.5 pounds of birthday cake in just eight minutes.