Stonie Defeats Chestnut—And Sets New WR—In Gyros

Matthew "The Megatoad" Stonie of San Jose, CA, ate 24 Niko Niko's Gyros on May 18, 2014, in Houston, TX, to set a new world gyro eating record.

So sayeth the big book MLE of truth. But this victory was much more than that—indeed, any win over world #1 Joey "Jaws" Chestnut is. It was Stonie's first win over his mentor/nemesis/near neighbor/fellow eater in 2014. In 2013, Stonie logged three wings against The Great One. His 2014 haul started here. Where it will end is a matter for the prognosticators and the chin-scratchers—sooth-sayers all. We will know what has transpired after the fact. Let history walk unencumbered by your expectations, people.

But know this: any battle between Chestnut and Stonie is epic. It is not simply a battle between the world #1 and world #2. It is a timeless battle between age and guile in one corner and youth and beauty in the other. Of brute strength in one; lithe poetry in the other. Between aggression and agility. Between Mars and Aphrodite. Between Roman strength and Greek finesse. (NB: Sweet segue coming up, by the way.)

Fitting, then, that it was at the Houston Greek Festival, that Stonie should take down Chestnut. Final tally: 24 to 21. Stonie was fast at the outset—as is his MO—and did not slow throughout the duration of the contest. Chestnut was not able to mow down Stonie in the back third of the contest, as he has in the past.

This was a significant victory: The gyro is a meat-based, bread-wrapped pocket of deliciousness. The discipline is a test of jaw strength and capacity. (Until recently, MLE would have also noted that "teeth speed" is key to success in the gyro discipline, but this metric has been retired on the grounds that it is scientifically ungrounded and, frankly, plain old stupid.) Capacity. Jaw strength. This is Chestnut turf. Plain and simple.

It's going to a be a great year.

1 Matthew "The Megatoad" Stonie, 24 and a New WR.
2 Joey "Jaws" Chestnut, 21
3 Adrian "The Rabbit" Morgan, 12.5
4 Miki Sudo, 11
5 Juan More Bite Rodriguez, 9.5
6 Steve Hendry, 8
7 Nasty Nate Biller, 6.5
8 Mark Preng, 5.5
9 Alex "Moose" Perez, 4.5
9 Tommy Miller, 4.5
11 Nicole Miller, 3.5
12 Alex Brouskakis, 3