MLE

 

Tears of Joy, Tears of Pain
12/16/2004

Hungry Charles Hardy, Ed Cookie Jarvis and Crazy Legs Conti qualified for Wing Bowl today at WIP in Philadelphia. They ate burritos, spinach and Twinkies respectively, if not respectfully.

Surprisingly, Badlands Booker failed to win entry despite a noble performance in onions. It is reported that the World Onion Champ had ordered a shipment of Maui Onions from Mr. Pineapple in Hawaii, but due to the holiday shipping crush the onions didn’t arrive in time for the qualifying round. Badlands bought a sack of one-pound yellow onions at the Bryn Mawr Acme just before arriving at WIP. He managed 4 ˝ in five minutes, but five in five minutes was the goal.

Badlands had arrived in Philly confident, having put in a very impressive year on the IFOCE circuit. “Looked like the Eagles in a NFC Championship game,” said Hardy. “Come in tough as nails and leave broken.”

Badlands, true to form, said: “It’s all good, I’ll come back hungry and focused for the wing off.”

In fairness, yellow onions are far less mellow than those from Maui.